Tarp Street Journal 2023

Smartest Baby in World Moves Furniture to Reach Cookie Jar; Family Dog Grudgingly Impressed 

A local tot hailed as "the smartest baby in the world" has successfully moved a dining room chair three feet, scaled it, and opened a ceramic cookie jar on top of a bookcase, according to his family. The tot, who turns two this month, was able to navigate through layers of fun-size candy bars in order to reach a strawberry Dum Dum at the bottom of the jar, which he promptly ate. Family Cocker Spaniel Whiskey said that while she and the toddler have had their ups and downs, this marked a potential turning point in their relationship in which the dog might begin to receive food. The toddler was busy making household repairs and was unavailable for comment.

Voters in George Santos’s District Anxiously Await Special Election Featuring New Sociopathic Republican Candidate

Residents of Douglaston, Queens, represented for the past year by ousted congressman George Santos, are ready to put the past behind them. Neighbors say they are looking forward to the upcoming special election to elect a new representative. "We feel like the laughingstock of the country for voting for this guy," said one resident. "Fortunately, there are so many other dishonest, narcissistic, election-denying Republican candidates who deserve a chance to serve."

22-Year-Old’s College Graduation Marred by Bawling Toddler

The recent college graduation ceremony of Douglaston resident Ethan Tarpley was disrupted by a tantrum-throwing baby, according to Centre College officials. “Who would bring their toddler to a college graduation ceremony?” asked the frustrated dean of the college. When told that the baby was Ethan's younger brother, the dean scoffed. "And I suppose his grandfather was interrupted by two crying toddlers at his college graduation."

Non-Fake News

After two years in Douglaston, it feels like home. 


We already refer to the local elementary school as "Hudson's school," even though that's three years away. We commute several days a week to Manhattan, but relish every chance we get to work from home, where Hudson happily interrupts our Zoom calls. 


Ethan is working restaurant and video production gigs while saving his money for a move to LA. Samantha visits every couple of months for 48 hours of attention from Hudson and Whiskey.

 

We are grateful for babies and babies that grow up, dogs that need to be groomed, grandmas and grandpas, floorboards that gently creak, rocking chairs that fit a boy and a picture book on a lap, bath time and nap time and bedtime, seeing Jo smile and wondering how we managed to pull this off.

 

And in case anyone is wondering--yes, a car seat fits in a Macan. 

 

Love is good.


Todd, Jo, Hudson, Samantha & Ethan